Monday, July 26, 2010

An Open Letter to Ebay; Or, We Gotta Stop Meeting Like This!


Dear Ebay,

I thought we broke up at the end of May. I talked to a customer service rep, filled out your lengthy exit quiz,deleted my listings and promptly repaired to Bonanzle with them. In case you aren’t aware of this lovely site, Bonanzle is the place where, to quote Big Bird, “the air is sweet.” You really should check it out sometime. It’s toxin-free, so there’s no need to wear a protective mask, they like you just the way you are, and they’re easy on both your spirit and your bank account. But of course it may not be for everybody, so I’ll understand if you’re not charmed.

That’s not why I’m writing anyway. The thing is – you and I still have a problem. No matter how vehemently I express my need to extricate myself from this relationship you refuse to let me go. A couple weeks ago you threatened the loss of my power seller status and then this morning you informed me that there is even worse trouble in River City. NOW my Top Rated Seller badge is about to be history too due to nonperformance over an eight week period. Honey, I know you don’t like being dumped, but you have to understand that when a girl breaks up with you it implies that she does not want to keep holding a funeral for the relationship. I tried to be just friends, which is why I left my buying possibilities open, but clearly you’re an all-or-nothing kind-of-guy, which leaves me with only one option – a clean and total break.

So this morning at five a.m., with a rip-roaring head cold, I tried to close my entire account. At first I thought my difficulties were due to my obvious impairment, but no. The problem is you. You acted as though you were unaware of our break-up and asked me yet again why I was leaving you. I checked two boxes – the one about high fees and the one about your no good, very bad attitude. But I guess a double-whammy really hurt your feelings because you promptly informed me that I must narrow my reasons to ONE. It was a toss-up, sweetie, I’ll be honest, but in the end I went with attitude. I know, I know – that hurt too, which must be why you then zinged me with the information that I can’t leave until I cancel my subscriptions, which I didn’t even know I had. So I went to where you lead me (didn't I always?) and discovered that subscriptions are the thingies that report my sales. For future relationships and their eventual sad endings (and there WILL be others) you may want to make a note. When someone stops selling on your site they don’t NEED the thingies that report the sales so you could just go ahead and close them and save both parties a lot of pain.

Anyway, moving right along ... I closed the subscription and then tried again to close the account. But no! NOW you told me that you owe me $14.35, a paltry sum considering the pain and anguish you inflicted on me this past year. But I very much deserve some recompense, so I checked the box saying I preferred the refund to the other option, which was to waive it. Yes, you actually have a go-ahead-and-keep-my- money option. I promised myself I wouldn’t get snarky here, but ebay darling, you do have understand that this isn’t NICE. If you had to attain the kind of public ratings sellers on your site do your DR-whatevers in the categories about playing well with others and running with scissors would be even less attractive than your final value fees. If I recall, the recent Auction Bytes seller survey sort of conveyed this very thing, but far be it from me to rub salt in your wounds over THAT.

The bottom line is you informed me that I can’t leave until you decide whether or not I actually GET the refund you told me I had coming. Yes, I applied using your handy little form and you basically said, “Not so fast missy! I decide whether or not you actually get this thing. Oh, and by the way, even if you do, it takes 30 days.”

This means of course that I am stuck with you for the duration unless I let you keep my money. As much as I’d like to let you just so I wouldn’t have to see your face again at 5 a.m., a principle is a principle, and as Dr. Phil says, you teach people how to treat you. Besides, you were really sort of sweet about it all, now that I think about it. Not only did you tell me in one email that you want me to succeed, but you also told me in the final one --and I quote -- “It is our pleasure to assist you. Thank you for choosing eBay, we value your business.”

Aw shucks. I bet you say that to all the girls.

With love and anticipation of $14.35,
tess

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Fabulous! LOL, so right on. What a toxic relationship, I do understand but I would have chosen fees, there ridiculous. Here is my account of the current situation...
http://www.thriftyvault.blogspot.com/